Put your BIG GIRL Panties on!

I screamed at my son today….

Then we both fell to the floor and cried. There are so many things about being a mom of three that I told myself wouldn’t happen. Guess what…we are always wrong, don’t ever tell God how things are going to work out. Today, my middle child, after throwing multiple tantrums and making a trail of messes, decided to go play in the laundry room. He mixed all the dirty laundry with some of my clean clothes I hadn’t folded yet. 

I LOST IT. 

But why? It’s just laundry. I swore I’d always be mindful about taking my anger out on my kids. 

Today, I screwed that up. 

Why you may ask? Because I’m struggling. Postpartum is a mother. I’ve never struggled with my emotions like this before. As a mom you want to have it together. Especially as a stay at home mom. Our husbands are out earning a living to keep us where we are. We want a clean house, food on the table when he comes home, and also time alone with him because the only conversation we have had today was talking to your 4 year old about the episode of paw patrol that he loves. We forget that in order to take care of them, we have to take care of ourselves too. Our mental health plays a huge part in that. 

Earlier, I mentioned how I had said all these things that weren’t going to happen when I became a mother. I said I was always going to have time for my husband. Wrong. 

I also said I wouldn’t get stretch marks and hate my body. Wrong.

I told myself I would always keep a clean house. Wrong.

I thought I’d always have some time to make myself look good before going anywhere. Wrong. 

I also thought that I had escaped postpartum. When I had my first two, I didn’t struggle like this. The first couple of weeks I was a little emotional but I got through it. This has felt like I’m fighting an uphill battle. The thing is, I know I’m surrounded by people that would listen to me, my mind just tells me otherwise. All I can think about is how badly I want to sit in a room and scream at the top of my lungs, maybe even punch a few things. Even writing that out sounds so crazy to me. If you know me, you know I’m not that kind of person, but at this moment in my life any kind of escape from reality would feel refreshing. 

But here is where we beat ourselves up ladies: we are constantly told we aren’t supposed to feel that way. Well, it’s not a good thing to feel that way but it’s not reality to say we’ve all been here in one way or another. “We wanted to be moms”, so feeling overwhelmed is our own fault. I wanted to be a mom, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but we also don’t get an instruction manual on how to do it all while feeling like it’s all too much. 

Depression sends us into a spiral of constant worry. 

Am I showing all of my children enough love? Am I going to have enough time to take a shower today? Or, my husband is probably getting tired of ordering food. Then you’re stuck because while all of these thoughts seem small, the anxiety they bring is not. But, we continue to let it build because we need to have it together. 

Well, I’m here to tell you I don’t have anything together. I’m at a season in my life where I have to talk myself into getting up. I look around and all I see is chaos, even if that’s not really the case. There is constant chaos in my head and I’m just trying to make sense of it. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want attention on myself, I just want understanding. I don’t know if any of you have gone or are going though what I am right now. If you are, I wanted to write this to tell you to keep going. If there is one thing I’m sure of, it’s that I’m trying. I’m trying everyday when I get up to be the best I can, despite how I’m feeling in my head. It honestly took a lot for me to write all of this out, but I feel a little better now that I did. 

I hope it speaks to someone else. Keep pushing mamas, you’re worth it.

Find your inner warrior!

By Susan James

Have you ever heard the saying, “ New year, new me?” Of course you have because as soon as that clock strikes midnight, that is the statement everyone wants to live by. Then a few months go by and the weight isn’t coming off fast enough or your new career path isn’t going how you thought it would. Life is funny that way you know? We tend to just give up if we aren’t getting the results we want right away. This is exactly what I experienced in 2018.

The beginning of the year started off great. We had just welcomed our second child into the world, we both had jobs that we enjoyed for the most part, money was steady, and it just seemed like the year was gonna be a good one. Then in May, it seemed like everything seemed to take a turn. My marriage was taking a hard hit, my husband was dealing with demons that I couldn’t quite help him with. Not long after that I made the decision to leave my job and then the depression started to set in.

You know that feeling when you get in the pit of your stomach, the one when you start trying to figure out how you got to such a low point. You find yourself sitting on the floor while your babies are napping, looking at them and thinking, “ I failed you.” Well I’m here to tell you, there is hope. There is hope for the girl out there who has given it her all, whether it was a relationship or a job and feels like she failed. You have it in you to pick yourself up and say “not today Satan.” It’s easier said than done, I know but God has done big things in my life before and I am going to keep trusting that big things are coming! So get up, kick off that hurt that is knocking you down right now and shower yourself in some hope.

You got this, there is a warrior inside all of us!

Change ….

Change is inevitable. The world and life in it are constantly moving, reshaping, refocusing … changing. So many of us view change as bad. We don’t like it and we sometimes fight against it with everything we’ve got. We neglect to remember there are just as many positive changes as negative and often positive outcomes develop as a result of what we view as the negative change.

For instance, as it was clear my marriage was failing I grew. I grew in the understanding of myself, I grew in faith, I grew in confidence. I grew! I have gained new friendships and even enjoyed some fun times I never would have had if I not been separated. I have even found my inner artist. The ending of the marriage was devastating. More because it feels not only like rejection but also failure and I hate to fail at anything, but none the less it was over. I could have buried myself in deep. I could have taken months even years to get over it. I could have spent the rest of my lifetime devastated. Instead, I spent countless hours asking God to show me what positive outcome would come out of a situation I could see nothing good in and He did just that. He unfolded and revealed things in me I had no idea were there. In addition He also developed a brave warrior spirit that is willing and ready now to fight for all He he has for me. He showed me a new boldness and where I would have layed down and let people walk on me in the past, I am no longer willing to take anyone’s S@*t! A brave new woman who is no longer willing to play the nice girl and allow others to inflict their own plan on her life. He took everything I thought would crush me and used it to build an alter that I would never ever ever forget the things He has done for me, through me and in me.

I’d be interested to hear, what experience have you had that at the time felt terrible and in the end turned out to be positive?

Day 1

I will be the first to tell you I’ve been down this road before … and by road I mean, I’ve started a blog. Well, actually I’ve started a couple and just eventually stopped writing. I can honestly say with my past blogs I was indecisive in the story I felt called to tell. Today, I at least know the direction I am heading and so a new journey begins and as the scripture says … God is in me. I will not fail!

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