I screamed at my son today….
Then we both fell to the floor and cried. There are so many things about being a mom of three that I told myself wouldn’t happen. Guess what…we are always wrong, don’t ever tell God how things are going to work out. Today, my middle child, after throwing multiple tantrums and making a trail of messes, decided to go play in the laundry room. He mixed all the dirty laundry with some of my clean clothes I hadn’t folded yet.
I LOST IT.
But why? It’s just laundry. I swore I’d always be mindful about taking my anger out on my kids.
Today, I screwed that up.
Why you may ask? Because I’m struggling. Postpartum is a mother. I’ve never struggled with my emotions like this before. As a mom you want to have it together. Especially as a stay at home mom. Our husbands are out earning a living to keep us where we are. We want a clean house, food on the table when he comes home, and also time alone with him because the only conversation we have had today was talking to your 4 year old about the episode of paw patrol that he loves. We forget that in order to take care of them, we have to take care of ourselves too. Our mental health plays a huge part in that.
Earlier, I mentioned how I had said all these things that weren’t going to happen when I became a mother. I said I was always going to have time for my husband. Wrong.
I also said I wouldn’t get stretch marks and hate my body. Wrong.
I told myself I would always keep a clean house. Wrong.
I thought I’d always have some time to make myself look good before going anywhere. Wrong.
I also thought that I had escaped postpartum. When I had my first two, I didn’t struggle like this. The first couple of weeks I was a little emotional but I got through it. This has felt like I’m fighting an uphill battle. The thing is, I know I’m surrounded by people that would listen to me, my mind just tells me otherwise. All I can think about is how badly I want to sit in a room and scream at the top of my lungs, maybe even punch a few things. Even writing that out sounds so crazy to me. If you know me, you know I’m not that kind of person, but at this moment in my life any kind of escape from reality would feel refreshing.
But here is where we beat ourselves up ladies: we are constantly told we aren’t supposed to feel that way. Well, it’s not a good thing to feel that way but it’s not reality to say we’ve all been here in one way or another. “We wanted to be moms”, so feeling overwhelmed is our own fault. I wanted to be a mom, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but we also don’t get an instruction manual on how to do it all while feeling like it’s all too much.
Depression sends us into a spiral of constant worry.
Am I showing all of my children enough love? Am I going to have enough time to take a shower today? Or, my husband is probably getting tired of ordering food. Then you’re stuck because while all of these thoughts seem small, the anxiety they bring is not. But, we continue to let it build because we need to have it together.
Well, I’m here to tell you I don’t have anything together. I’m at a season in my life where I have to talk myself into getting up. I look around and all I see is chaos, even if that’s not really the case. There is constant chaos in my head and I’m just trying to make sense of it. I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want attention on myself, I just want understanding. I don’t know if any of you have gone or are going though what I am right now. If you are, I wanted to write this to tell you to keep going. If there is one thing I’m sure of, it’s that I’m trying. I’m trying everyday when I get up to be the best I can, despite how I’m feeling in my head. It honestly took a lot for me to write all of this out, but I feel a little better now that I did.
I hope it speaks to someone else. Keep pushing mamas, you’re worth it.